domingo, 27 de maio de 2012

One last push

I feel like a pregnant woman. I have my heart wide open, I'm pushing something new into my life.

This is a horrible metaphor and yet it kind of makes sense. Life is changing in so many ways and it's changing me, brutally, from the inside out. It's unnoticeable to most but I feel it pretty much every second of each day.

I try to make sense of things that happen but it's not easy. I believe that there is a purpose to all things so I keep searching and waiting for the truth to present itself. Life changes, it evolves, it is redefined and it redefines you and the process goes on forever.

Right now I'm trying to hold on to a few things so I don't completely lose my mind, which is unfair and dangerous but I don't see any other way ot moving forward. If I let go, I'll lose myself and, for some reason, I can't allow myself to do that. I've always had a dramatic, dark and fatalistic nature. But as I grow older and life, real life, starts happening, I've found myself craving for more life, fighting for happiness and striving for a continuation of my being here. Less and less do I have room for darkness, even in the darker times. And now, probably the darkest of times, I fight and fight so I don't drown, because I don't want to. I don't know if I'll succeed or how I will make that happen.

But I know I want to.