For the first time in a long while, I have a moment of silence.
There is still some residual noise (maybe a lot, even), yet there is a calm, a quietness that feels nice, more so because it's been rather unusual for me.
I have dealt with a lot of stress, mainly because of work. It's become usual for me to find myself in a situation where I don't know what to do, because the question is one I've never been asked before. It really does suck to be doing a job that you know very little about and the (not so) funny thing is: there isn't anyone to ask for help. In a way, it's a huge challenge and I've discovered that I thrive on it. But, the insecure me, the proud me, hates to be in a vulnerable position.
When did I become so distanced from my own vulnerability? The real problem about being vulnerable has to do with the people that are around you. You can be surrounded by friends or family or a loved one and it's okay to be exposed. But in a harsh environment such as the workplace, vulnerability can kill you.
I have been spinning this question around in my head for months: am I cut out for this? Is this really what I'm supposed to do? I've mentioned before that I "despise" people that know their true calling from a young age, right? ... I enjoy my work, I enjoy the results of it. I know that when this show is onstage I will feel happy, proud and accomplished. I put it up there, basically! But to do this forever? I really don't know... And now, with all this economic anxiety, this financial abyss that we find ourselves on the edge of, I'm afraid that if I lose what I have, I'll become stunned, and have no idea of what will happen next. I'll probably go bananas, period.
I know, I know, I have a freakishly strong need of control and being able to know what is ahead. I can try to go around it, but how can you go around understanding your own path in life?
And now, with all these questions floating around my head, I think: "So much for silence, damnit."
Someone once advised me to shut down my brain once in a while and not think too hard. I'm pretty sure that person had a "bigger than herself" moment when she said that, because it was a very clever thing to say to me. And she's not that clever. But, so many years later, it still resonates, it's still valid.
And I'm still looking for a way to do it...